10 Facts You May Not Know About My Brother

1.  Ben loved his Birkenstock mules.  He really believed they were the only shoes he needed.  He could dress them up or down, summer or winter.

2.  Ben was a firm believer that the Texas "swimming season" should begin in April.  The rest of the family joined him by Memorial Day...if he was lucky (and the weather was warm).

3. The only thing that could get Ben out of bed early was evidently....sonic the hedge hog.  He used to get up early to catch the sonic the hedge hog cartoon show and as far as I know....that never happened again!

4.  Little Ben had such sensitive eyes, he spent most mornings of his early childhood hiding in the corner of the living room shielding his eyes from the harsh morning light with his hands.

5.  Ben is the only adult I know of that literally slept while in the shower.  Seriously, standing up with my mom yelling at him from outside the bathroom.

6.  We had a running joke about Ben's underwear showing while he "sagged" his jeans.

7. Even Ben had to admit my bicep muscle was bigger than his (despite his efforts at P90X).

8.  Ben had the flat-est Flintstones feet I have ever seen.  Where did these come from?

9.  Ben had a true desire to learn Italian and move to Italy.  He would have loved to visit us in New Zealand.

10.  Ben was always up to help someone out...he built a fence with my church group for a widow (for free) and helped dig out our front flower bed (including breaking up concrete) for a pizza!

Happy 24th Birthday Ben

I was looking through all my old photos tonight to find one of Ben to post on facebook in memory of his birthday.  

I'm kicking myself for not taking more photos of my brother, with my brother.  At the same time, I am wondering where Ben was during so many fun memories.  Why wasn't he there?  Did I not invite him?  Did he not want to come?  Did he just have something better to do?

Reality is probably all of the above.  I don't remember ever making a relationship with my brother a priority in my life.  He was young (7 years my junior) and immature and there would be time in the future for a "grown up" relationship with him and (hopefully) his wife.

But there was no time. 

So many memories we could have shared, my 29th birthday on Lake Ray Hubbard, a trip to Seattle, Baylor games, New Year's Eve, the White Rock Marathon.  But we didn't and we won't.

My prayer is that his absence will serve as a reminder to me to invest in my relationship with the 7 siblings I am lucky enough to still have.  And take photos of everyone because one day you will be glad you have them.

Happy Birthday to my milk drinking, goofy grinning baby brother.

One Year Ago Today

I'm unsure if today or yesterday marks one year since the car crash that killed my brother.  To me in New Zealand it was yesterday but for my family in the States it was today.  In a way it was comforting to be so far away, nothing familiar to bring the memories of this week last year to the surface.  No definite date to mourn.  So I decided to read a few of the posts I wrote about Ben throughout the year, you know, just to make sure I relived those memories today.  All joking aside, one struck me as very interesting.  I said that I wished it would rain.  That the sunny, blue skies in the week that followed Ben's death defied the feelings of sadness our family was enduring.  Well, today it rained.  For hours.  I'm sure this is not unusual for Auckland but for me it was fitting. 

My family in the States visited Ben's now marked grave, released balloons, sang, prayed, and enjoyed dinner together.  I'm sure they visited Drew's bench with the lone golf ball placed next to it as well.  Me, I scrolled past the pictures I snapped with my iphone of the boy's graves and hoped for healing for our family and a better year starting on March 6, 2012.  I celebrate the fact that Justin and I are living in New Zealand and realizing a dream we thought unattainable.  However, I grieve so many things from the past year. 

The Last Time

The last time I saw my brother was on February 13, 2011.  We had a Valentine's Day celebration lunch at my parent's house for the whole family.  My mom wanted to get everyone together to express her love for us all and hoped it would become a Walker family Valentine's tradition.  As usual my mom gave favors to all in attendance but I only remember that all the girls got fun Texas themed nail polish in various shades of red and pink.   Ben brought his girlfriend to meet the extended family for the first time.  She talked about the thoughtful gifts Ben bought her and their plans for the next evening.  Justin and I were excited about the possibility of transferring to London on a rotation with my firm.  Ben seemed excited for us and I know he would have been even more excited about New Zealand.  Kara and Aaron announced to the family that they were hoping to plant a church in Colorado and that they had officially started that process.   Our family was understandably upset with the news that their family could be moving within the year.  Ben told my mom not to worry because he would never move away.   

That is all I remember of the last day I spent with my brother.  I'm not sure if we hugged or said I love you when we left although we had exchanged those gestures plenty of times in the past.  That day didn't seem of consequence until March 6, 2011 but now, I suppose, it is a day I will never forget. 

Drew

Drew's brother posted a video on fb today.  Well, not just a video, I guess.  The video they played at his memorial service.  I unknowingly clicked on play thinking it was just a clip of Drew.  As soon as those baby pictures of little Drew came up on the screen, I immediately clicked away.  But it was too late.  It took me back to that moment, giving me goosebumps, thinking of standing in the packed funeral chapel watching Drew's family go through what we would go through the next morning.  I remember the sick feeling in my stomach and wanting more than anything to be anywhere else.  They played Let It Be and spoke of Drew, a boy I barely knew that I now think of all the time.  At the close of the service, Drew's mother tearfully ask the piano player to continue playing.  She didn't want the service to end.  I think it was a perfect depiction of how we all felt. 

As my thoughts continued to wonder through the events of that day, another moment came to mind.  After Ben's viewing that evening, Kara, Aaron, Justin, and I walked to our cars a little way into the cemetery.  As we tried to drive out, we realized we were locked in the cemetery.  Aaron went to get someone to let us out but we had to wait a little while.  We were all starving from a long and exhausting day.  Luckily, I had stuffed some chicken mini's from Chick-fil-a in my purse that morning.  So Aaron, Justin, and I ate the purse chicken biscuits much to Kara's amusement.  She wouldn't have anything to do with them!  We all laughed and cried.  Relieved to be through one of the worst days of our lives.  Dreading the day ahead.

Clear Blue Skies

When I think back on my brother's death, one thing that continues to stick out is the weather in the week that followed.  Ben died on March 6th, 2011.  During the next week the skies were a perfect blue, no clouds, and the temperatures remained in the high 60's.  Basically, it was perfect, spring, Texas weather.  It struck me at the time as wrong, so opposite of the feelings surrounding my family.  The morning my father told me that we had "lost" Ben that night was a bright, cloudless sunrise.  That day I wished it would it rain. 

I clearly remember standing near the grave-side of my brother shortly before he was buried with the wind blowing my hair, looking up, and wishing to see gray clouds that would block the bright sun that shone that day.  I could not understand how the sky could be so bright when the world seemed to be falling around us. 

After Ben's funeral, I was standing outside the church speaking with Steven and Halie.  It was extremely windy that day but again a perfect, clear, blue sky.  Why wouldn't the skies weep with our family? 

Remembering the entire week continues to seem like a movie to me.  It was a perfect scene with the brightest blue sky against our black dresses.  And like a movie, unreal to me.  How could this be?  Did I really throw a long stem red rose on the light brown casket of Ben?  Is he really buried in a cemetary a few miles from my home?  The answer is yes.  I ride my bike by the unmarked grave of my 22 year old brother.  His grave remains unmarked.  The suddenness of his death leaves us all unsure of how to commerate his life.  The suddenness of his death leaves us all putting off this final marker.

June 6th

I can't believe it has been 3 months.  It seems like so much has changed since March 6th but yet just the other day we were all hanging out on Valentine's Day.  Time always has a funny way of doing that to you.  Here is a picture I like to remember you by.  It makes me think of you running slightly flat footed.  Of us laughing about having to run on a dirt road up a mountain at the end of a 6 mile race.  Of  us sharing something I love that you wanted to be a part of.  Of you running in the grass at the Dash Down Greenville so we could talk.  I'll miss you this year in Ouray.